The Smart Divorce® Weblog

Move forward with focus, hope, and confidence.


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New Year Wishes

To my clients, colleagues, fans, and followers…..

New year comes to give us a fresh hope,
For a better future and success
New Year gives us dream for that
We will face challenges with confidence
On this new year may your dreams and hopes
Succeed with blessings 
Happy New Year and Seasons greetings

May 2013 be filled with happiness, good health, and peace.

All the very best,

Deborah


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The Shared Custody Experience

On this episode of The Smart Divorce with Deborah Moskovitch, our guest is Denise Whitehead, a lawyer with a Ph.D. in Family Relations & Human Development.  She combines her legal and social science backgrounds and shares her important research on socio-legal practice and policy issues related to separation and divorce that affect all members of the family system – mothers, fathers and children.

Denise Whitehead

Dr. Whitehead discusses her dissertation research that involved in-depth interviews with young adults who spent time in shared custody as children and examined their perspectives on transitions, relationships and fairness.  The information is helpful on so many levels – but most importantly looks at what children really want, the outcomes and impact.

Topics in this program include:

  • How shared custody is influencing parent child relationships
  • Fairness in decision making
  • What children want in a custody arrangement
  • The importance of quality time with children
  • Who “owns the time”
  • ‘Managing-up:’ Young adult children who experienced shared custody reflect on their efforts to make family relations work
  • Custodial decision-making and fairness: Young adults who lived in shared custody give their ‘expert’ opinions
  • And so much more…….

This is a must listen show if you are thinking of, working through or implementing your parenting plan.  Dr. Whitehead provides practical and creative thinking about parenting and the relationship with your children.

To listen click here

Don’t forget, Like us on our Facebook pages, The Smart Divorce and Divorce Source Radio.  Join the community!


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When nannies get caught in divorce drama

I spoke with Wency Leung at the Globe&Mail about my personal experience with my nanny through divorce.  This article provides insight into many important considerations when a nanny/babysitter is involved.

Baby wrangler or domestic diplomat? When nannies get caught in divorce drama

WENCY LEUNG

As a nanny, 23-year-old Ana was prepared to deal with tears, name-calling and the silent treatment while on the job. She just did not expect to witness it between her employers. When the couple who hired her split up last year, she often felt caught in the middle.

Some days, she struggled to keep both parents happy as she took care of their toddler son in downtown Toronto. Other days, the entire household felt bogged down by a general sense of sadness. And on particularly awkward occasions, one parent would bad-mouth the other in front of her or ask for information about their spouse.

“It was just very traumatic for everybody – for the kid, for the nanny, for everybody who lived there,” Ana says, noting she tried to stay out of the couple’s personal affairs as much as she could. (Because of the sensitive nature of the issue, she requested that her full name not be published.) “I would just try to keep my opinions to myself.”

As Ana discovered, divorce adds a whole new set of challenges to a nanny’s job. In addition to regular child-minding duties, a break-up requires nannies to adopt the role of domestic diplomat, dodging highly-charged conflicts without taking sides. Yet amid the turmoil, nannies can also become a much-needed source of stability for the children in their care. And navigating the chaos can strengthen the nanny-child bond.

Royal nanny Olga Powell’s reassuring presence through the highly publicized breakup of Prince Charles and the late Diana, Princess of Wales, is believed to have helped Prince William and Prince Harry cement their relationship with their long-time caregiver. Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge, pulled out of several official engagements to attend Powell’s funeral this week. According to The Telegraph, Powell, who died last month at the age of 82, started looking after Prince William when he was six months old. She worked for the royal family for 15 years, helping the princes get through their parents’ troubled marriage and eventual divorce.

“In the circumstances of divorce, the nanny is kind of that one stable factor,” says Kellie Geres, a veteran nanny with more than 20 years of experience, based in Washington, D.C., who has served three households through divorce. When their home life is in upheaval, “the children recognize that … there is somebody that they can count on, and I think the parents also recognize that too.”

Ana and her young charge have become close over the past year. “From the beginning, I loved him very much because he was such a lovely kid,” she says, noting the challenge of protecting and caring for him during his parents’ separation may have amplified those feelings. Ana now works exclusively for the parent who moved out with the child, and rarely has contact with the other.

Given that roughly 40 per cent of Canadian marriages end in divorce, dealing with employers’ break-ups is not uncommon for child caregivers. In fact, Martha Scully, founder the online database CanadianNanny.ca, based in Nanaimo, says in recent years she has seen a growing number of divorced and separating couples register on her site together to find a nanny who can provide consistent care in their fractured households.

But even though they may be willing to co-operate during the hiring process, that does not necessarily make it easier for caregivers to avoid strife among exes. Scully says she often hears of parents giving their nannies conflicting directions – a problem that can be compounded when couples remarry, bringing more opinions and expectations into the mix. (Geres says it helps if parents can decide that one of them is the boss, so even though the caregiver may update all the adults with their children’s activities and progress, she needs only answer to one.)

Some nannies also get stuck doing double duty, cleaning and doing chores for two homes instead of one. And since some employers treat their nannies like members of the family, it can be hard for them to resist dishing the dirt on the exes. Defining the boundaries of the nanny-employer relationship can be tricky at the best of times.

Even among couples who are not going through divorce, relying on hired help can bring up parents’ feelings of guilt or concern that their roles are being replaced. Scully often hears mothers worry: “Is the nanny going to start looking like Mom to the baby?” These fears can worsen when parental roles change during divorce; when, for example, a stay-at-home parent is required to find work or a parent spends less time with the children after moving out.

“When parents express that worry to us, I always say you can’t have too many people who love a child,” Scully says. “So let’s say the child really loves a nanny. Is that such a bad thing?”

Deborah Moskovitch, Toronto-based divorce coach and author of The Smart Divorce, says that far from taking over her role, the family nanny gave her more time to spend one-on-one with each of her children when she went through her own divorce.

Click here to read the whole article and valuable advice


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Canada’s Largest Divorce Party – Come Join the Fun!

Reinvent, Transform, Be Inspired!

Join me and many others for an evening of entertainment, inspiration, fun and much more.

On September 21, 2012 I will be speaking at the Largest Divorce Party in Canada…..this is going to be a spectacular event filled with give aways, gifts, motivational speakers, music, laughter, entertainment and fun.

Hundreds of like minded people will be gathering to meet with their like minded friends or mingle with new ones to share in a night filled with music, laughter, cocktails and divorce.

How can people celebrate divorce with laughter, music and cocktails?

The Divorce Party has been around for quite a few years but there’s never been anything on a scale quite like this, ever.  While smaller divorce parties, between groups of friends have proven to be the time for bonding and closure, this divorce party is a little different.  This is a celebration of who we are and what we face as we move into the next, new and exciting chapter of our lives.

 What are we planning?

At this Divorce Party, you don’t have to be a divorcee to attend.  Maybe you’re single and interested in meeting new people or perhaps you’re attached but come in support of a friend; it doesn’t matter because this night is a celebration of new beginnings and life’s journeys to come.

What else is there?

With your ticket, you’ll not only get to experience great food, the company of good people and the pleasure of well made drinks but you’ll also have the opportunity to hear from some of stellar guests like, Deborah Moskovitch, founder of: The Smart Divorce; a woman dedicated to helping people cope with their divorce by assisting them with implementation of life skill strategies so that their next chapter starts on a crisp, clean page.  There’s the “BoyToy” from  Divorce Party: The Musical, In DIVORCE PARTY THE MUSICAL, the “Boy Toy” plays everything from a massage therapist to a pizza delivery boy to a make-over guru. He will perform a special number at the Divorce Party; and of course no party is complete without dancing and carrying on when our disc jockey’s, take the stage.

There’s prizes, there’s food, there’s friends and then there’s you.  This night is all about you.

We believe that the spice in life is harnessed from our ability to re-invent ourselves as we cross over each hurdle in life.

Come join the fun!

For more information check out the link: http://www.divorce-party.ca/

or email info@divorce-party.ca​


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Fathers are Important Too

Kids Need Their Fathers, During and After Divorce

One of the sad realities of divorce and the outcome is fatherlessness.  In this episode of The Smart Divorce with Deborah Moskovitch, we discuss the need for fathers to stay involved in their kids lives, especially during and after divorce.

Deborah Moskovitch

Deborah Moskovitch

It is more common for father’s relationships to be thinned out more than mothers.  While a lot of attention and research has focused on single-parent families where the parent is the mother, limited attention has focused on single-parent families where the father is the parent. Single-father families are a small, but growing segment of our society. But what happens when dads aren’t involved?

Deborah Moskovitch and Steve Peck explore this issue, and help provide an understanding of fatherlessness, while providing ideas for staying connected.

Did you know:

  • Up to 25% of children do not see their father by 2-3 years after divorce
  • Daughters that do not have a relationship with their father are more likely to have long term emotional issues – are more promiscuous and less likely to graduate from high school and college; while sons are more likely to exhibit delinquent behavior
  • 80% of the daughters and sons in the U.S. only live with their fathers for a maximum of 10 to 15 percent of the time after their parents divorce

Tune in to discover what can be done and how you can overcome these obstacles. There’s been research that shows when fathers are more involved in their kids’ lives — they are less likely to divorce themselves.

Also, Like us on our Facebook pages, The Smart Divorce and Divorce Source Radio.  Join the community!

To hear this interview, click on the link

http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/kids-need-their-fathers-during-and-after-divorce/