The Smart Divorce® Weblog

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Should So Many Couples Choose Divorce?

From the Huffington Post

Deborah Moskovitch

Divorce Coach, Author, Speaker, Guide, Radio Host

Should So Many Couples Choose Divorce?

Posted: 01/15/2013 12:17 pm

*This article first appeared on more.ca

Have you ever stopped to ponder why the divorce rate has risen so dramatically over the past 50 years? When my parents married in the 1950s the divorce rate was minimal. According to Statistics Canada, in 1951 there were only 5,270 divorces in all of Canada. The number rose dramatically to a staggering 70,226 divorces in 2008 — a whopping 1,232 per cent increase in total divorces over 50 years.

This compares with an increase in the total population of only 139 per cent. Divorce was a rare event previous to the first world war with a rate of less than one per 1,000 of the yearly number of marriages, says Stats Can. And I suspect the statistics are not too dissimilar in the U.S., although the hard numbers are usually ten times that of what occurs in Canada. For example, the number of divorces in the U.S. in 2008 was reported at 840,000, by CDC/NCHS National Vital Statistics System.

There has been significant progress in divorce reform, making it easier and fairer to obtain. Researchers would most likely agree that not only has divorce become more socially acceptable, but divorce laws have also changed to provide a more equitable resolution for many since the late 1960s. The amendment to the Divorce Act to permit the reason for divorce as no-fault (in other words, no-blame divorce) has radically altered the factors influencing the decision to divorce.

In other words, divorce has become less of a stigma — you don’t have to prove fault, and there is more fairness in addressing financial concerns for the disadvantaged spouse. In addition, there has been extensive research on the impact of divorce upon the family, children, social outcomes and so much more.

This learning has enabled the development of more effective resources to help the divorcing individual. No longer does one feel forced to stay in a marriage when there is a serious breach of trust, or any kind abuse. These are very positive outcomes of divorce reform.

The grass isn’t always greener, so why the high divorce rate?

But, knowing what we do — that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, that divorce can be hard on children, lifestyle is often diminished, and the divorce rate rises with each subsequent marriage — why is the divorce rate still so high? Has the traditional wedding vow promising to love and cherish each other in sickness and in health until death do us part lost its meaning? Or, have expectations about marriage and what we want out of a partner changed over the years, resulting in this dramatic rise in divorce.

Choosing to divorce is certainly not an easy decision. For most, the decision to divorce is a result of a great deal of soul searching and questioning. While the legal system for divorce is far from perfect, it is significantly better than it was in the 1950s. But, upon closer examination, it appears that changing attitudes towards relationships and marriage have impacted the divorce rate over the last 50 years. I spoke with one of the foremost sociologists and researchers in North America, Dr. Paul Amato, who has conducted extensive research on marital quality and stability.

To read the whole article and view the HuffPost slide show click here


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Learning From Your Divorce

There are many lessons that we can learn from divorce, and these are shared in Weddings& Honeymoons magazine. I was recently interviewed by Nicole Gioseffi of Weddings & Honeymoons at the Divorce Party , to find how to keep the honeymoon thrive, despite the high divorce rate.  This is what was shared:

Marriage Tips for Couples at Divorce Party

Marriage tips for couples at Divorce Party

By: Nicole Gioseffi

Divorce is not a dirty little secret anymore rather it has become a common and normal part of life for many.

Divorce can conjure feelings of anger, frustration, sadness and resentment. How can true happiness occur with such emotion at the forefront?

The key to moving on is finding out how to let go of that anger and frustration and yes even finding the ability to forgive each other. For many, this is easier said than done.

Luckily, there are ways and outlets available to divorces that will help them in finding their inner peace.  Outlets such as self-help books, dating services and special events geared for single and divorced individuals.

On Friday September 21, 2012 Canada’s largest Divorce Single and Mingle Party was held downtown Toronto at the Capitol Entertainment Theater. Although the event was called a “Divorce Party”, you did not have to be divorced in order to attend. The event was organized so that like-minded individuals could have the opportunity to meet new people and be comfortable in their own skin. The event offered a live DJ, wine tasting, a fashion show and the opportunity for people to listen to keynote speakers who specialized in the area of divorce.

One of the keynote speakers was Deborah Moskovitch, pictured on right with W&H writer Nicole Gioseffi, who is a divorce coach, speaker, educator and author of the book The Smart Divorce.  Deborah speaks from experience as she herself has been divorced for 16 years.

She explains that her divorce was a difficult time in her life and finding the ways to overcome it was a challenge. She said the most important thing you can do individually is to heal at your own speed and learn to forgive and let go. Through the process of her divorce, Deborah channeled her emotions into writing her book, which helped her heal. The book is equipped with proven strategies and valuable advice.

Click here to read the whole article and the vital advice.


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Five Steps to a Healthier You, Post-Divorce

Make no mistake; divorce is upper case Emotional. When I decided to leave my marriage, I could not imagine how I would ever say the “d” word to my children or spell out how their lives would change. While I accepted whole-heartedly that my priority was to put my children’s best interests first, I was also painfully aware of how my world was uncoupling and changing. Even though almost 40 per cent of marriages end in divorce, I felt little comfort from a statistic.

At first, I felt very overwhelmed most days. I vividly recall many dreams of moving through scary-divorce-land bogged down by a big bad trunk of fear, anxiety, guilt and anger. I knew I had to unload the trunk to get anywhere but I did not want to “deal.” And, who could even think of dating. But the truth is, that while I knew it was important to put my children’s best interests first, I also knew that it was important to get my own life on track if I was going to be a good parent and role model.

As I began to rebuild my life post-split I quickly realized I had choices — I could choose to be a victim, or I could choose to move on, and it was up to me to build a good life, a happy and fulfilling life. Yes, the future was fraught with uncertainty but I reframed that thought and looked at what I could do to make life better, happier and brighter. The life I’ve now created is beyond my wildest dreams. If anyone would have told me in the darkest of my emotional days that I would be a divorce coach, a best selling Canadian author, a keynote speaker at The Divorce Party — and so much more, I would have told them they were dreaming. But, by opening myself up to new experiences and being open minded, I learned that divorce is rich in opportunity to learn and grown from — and grow I did.

To find out the 5 steps, read the full article here 


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A Guide To Great Relationships

Tune in to The Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio to hear Deborah Moskovitch and Steve Peck discuss a “How to Guide” to great relationships.

Have you ever stopped to think why the divorce rate rises with each subsequent marriage, or why seemingly great relationships don’t work?

In this episode of The Smart Divorce with Deborah Moskovitch, Deborah and Steve Peck discuss relationships – what’s great and what isn’t.  All too often people fall into the same relationship patterns – they get involved with the same “type” that didn’t work for them previously like physical appearance or character traits.

Today’s conversation includes:

  • 5 Significant messages to be mindful of
  • Avoid repeating the bad relationship patterns
  • A candid story of Steve Peck’s relationship mistakes
  • Deborah shares how she overcame her relationship immaturity

An interesting and informative show filled with insight and candor.   Deborah speaks to the article she wrote Midlife Divorce: Blame it on Your Parents? http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/midlife-divorce-blame-it-on-your-parents/a/33856

To hear this informative interview click on the link

http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/great-relationships-a-how-to-guide-to-get-there-again/


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Finding Happiness During Divorce

Finding Happiness During Divorce is the new program on The Smart Divorce with Deborah Moskovitch featuring Susan Pease Gadoua. Isn’t it time you find your happiness?

Our guest, Susan Pease Gadoua is the founder and Executive Director of the Transition Institute of Marin, specializing in meeting the needs of separating and divorcing men and women. We explore the importance of understanding your own needs, how to find your happiness, and the meaning of loving yourself.  It’s an enlightening and engaging conversation, tune in to learn how to find the power of happiness.

  • The meaning of happiness
  • What it means to love yourself, to be open to loving and healthy relationships
  • Preparing yourself emotionally for a great relationship
  • Why people get stuck in relationship traps – and being with the same personality type
  • Avoiding the relationship trap mistakes and downfalls
  • The risk of a rebound relationship

Click here to liste:

http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/finding-happiness-during-divorce/


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Dating after divorce

Tune into the Smart Divorce on Divorce Source Radio to hear this very informative interview on dating after divorce with our guest Delaine Moore.

Divorced mother of three Delaine Moore is an author, NLP Practitioner, speaker, and Licensed Mars Venus Life Coach, who specializes in divorce, dating, relationships and gender differences.  Since her own divorce in 2007, she has inspired thousands of divorced women to grab the next chapter of their lives by the horn and pursue passion on their own terms on her website, I Am Divorced Not Dead. Her memoir, A Woman’s Body Never Lies – which chronicles her wild, yet profound, ‘body-driven’ awakenings in the first after her divorce, was recently purchased by the feminist publisher, Seal Press, and is slated for release in Spring 2012.

Topics in the program include:

  • When is the right time to begin dating after divorce?
  • How not to make the same mistakes when seeking a new mate
  • Internet dating services, are they a good idea?
  • When to introduce your date to your children?
  • key ingredients of a “keeper”
  • Sex after divorce
  • And much more

Click on the link to hear Delaine share her thoughts on dating post-divorce and how much fun it can be.

http://www.divorcesourceradio.com/dating-after-divorce/


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Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family

All too often, parents worry, quite rightly, how their children are going to react to divorce.  The book Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family, is a great read for parents to share with their younger children.

This children’s book about a child coming to terms with divorce, manages to be both comforting and authentic at the same time.  Its message is simple and sincere:  Divorce doesn’t have to lead to a dysfunctional family.  It can lead to a healthy “different-functional” family where children know that they are worthy and loved – in spite of their parents’ decision to separate.

Written by divorced mom Lori Hilliard to help her own children, Sending Love, My “Different-Functional” Family is a welcome change from the traditional offerings for children coping with divorce.  This book can serve as a valuable resource for divorcing parents with young children and extended family.  There are no talking teddy bears or make-believe characters glossing over the reality of divorce.  This simple true story, told through the eyes of Hilliard’s five year old son, assures children that they are still part of a family that loves them.  The author felt it was important to feature a real child’s face, so that other children could relate to the story in a genuine way.  The book includes a section for parents to add photographs meaningful to their children, as well as a place to write down their own commitment to their children.  These thoughtful “extras” reinforce to children that their parents love for them is not diminished by divorce, and that life in a “different-functional” family can be a happy one.

The book is currently available on Amazon.com and at http://www.aspenwoodpublishing.com.

The author’s personal story has been featured on CNN.com

Also, here’s an article which appeared on the Maria Shriver’s First Lady of California, Women’s Conference website:

http://www.californiawomen.org/just-who-will-i-be/

Children need to be provided with the understanding that, although their parents live in two separate homes, they are still a family.  While the family might have some differences than one with both parents living together, this family is still the same in many ways – they are loved by both parents, they play and have fun like all children, and these children feel good about themselves – all very important messages.


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After divorce: Happier, stronger you

Too often, people identify themselves with who they were when they were married, rather than who they’ve become (or would like to become) postdivorce.

Now is the time to evaluate what you would like your life to like, and to develop strategies to get there. If you were the primary caregiver and stayed at home with your children during your marriage, perhaps you need to go to work but haven’t been in the workforce for a number of years. You could consider going to a vocational coach to help you make the transition. Perhaps you can afford to continue not working, but will this still be fulfilling? You can volunteer or pursue other interests. After all, your children may no longer be with you every day or weekend. The challenge is to rebuild your life to achieve a new kind of happiness. You just have to want to change and believe that it can be accomplished.

Visualize your life being different, and live your life as you envision it. Don’t wait to do the things that you promise yourself you will do when you feel better. Start doing those things now, and happiness will follow. If you wait until you are happier to do those things, you will be waiting a long time.

Please click on the click to read more about tips and strategies as to how to develop your postdivorce identity.

http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/after-divorce-happier-stronger-you/a/21185

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40.  Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women.

I don’t want to sugarcoat things. There are times when life postdivorce is difficult, sad, and lonely. You might still be experiencing a sense of loss, a setback in terms of self-esteem, or shame at no longer being part of a couple. But there are many single people living very rewarding lives. Again, try to reframe the situation and reflect on the life you actually had when you were married. I have heard people say that although they may have been blindsided by their divorce, when they really think about their marriage they realize that they were not fulfilled. If you are having difficulty postdivorce, this is when you really need to work hard to regain a positive outlook and work toward self-acceptance. Talking to a therapist, having a strong support network, or just asking yourself many questions about your life’s goals can lead you to an evaluation of where you are headed and how to get there.


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Happy Valentine’s Day………Installing Love

I received this message via email today. I don’t know who the author is, but the writer’s message is right on –

 

Love yourself before you can love others

 

INSTALLING LOVE

Tech Support: Yes, … how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install
LOVE. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What
do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located
your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is
it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?
Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge, and
Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from
your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory
but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually
override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-
Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and
Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly
installed. Can you turn those off?
Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke
Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and
Resentment have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is
that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the
upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error –
Program not run on external components.” What should I do?
Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is set up
to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following
files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The system
will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile
is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So LOVE is installed and
running. One more thing before we hang up. LOVE is Freeware. Be sure
to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.


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When your ex has somone new

When you ex has someone new

 

Feeling at peace with singledom when your

ex has a new partner

 

 

The emotional tide experienced through divorce doesn’t always end when your divorce becomes final. Just as you are moving forward, feeling positive, you’re faced with a new reality……..your ex has a new partner. Although you may or may not have a new relationships too, sometimes new emotions or old wounds surface.

 

Evaluating what you need to do to achieve happiness and hope in a new relationship requires thought, evaluation and introspection. Please click on the link to read more about tips and strategies as to how to navigate this new phase in your life postdivorce.

 

http://more.ca/relationships/single-life/when-your-ex-has-someone-new/a/18818

 

I wrote this article for More magazine’s online edition. More magazine is a publication which celebrates women over 40. Men should also feel comfortable reading this article as it offers great insight into moving on and how to prepare yourself for new relationships postdivorce; tips that apply to both men and women. If you would like to browse through this magazine click on the following link: www.more.ca